13 going on ...Nowhere!

     Thirteen is a difficult age for any girl. For me it was my own little slice of Hell. When I was 13, three years after my mom had left my father, she finally starting fighting for custody of us. She was in a stable home and well when I called her after my father busted my little brothers lip enough was enough! She picked us up that night and had us hide out at a neighbors house the next day while she went to work. When my father found out we weren't at school he called the police and tried to get my mom arrested for kidnapping us. As scary as it was to be picked up by the police and brought to the station. The lady deputy who picked us up was so kind. Now the DCF case worker we were interviewed by was a very cruel and condescending man. I was so glad when he was done interviewing me,he made me so uncomfortable. Luckily I had enough against my dad from just the last week to stay with my mom. And with the charges filed against him we were able to stay with her. Testifying in court against him while he stared up at me is still one of the scariest moments of my life. At that point I was pretty sure there was a God I just felt like maybe I wasn't good enough for His mercy. I felt very much trapped in my own head. Constant flashbacks and night terrors kept me from ever really feeling relaxed. But eventually my mom was awarded custody. After a few weeks of supervised visitations with the man who made me feel like little more than a maid and a whipping post they finally decided to tell me that I didn't have to come if I didn't want to(thanks for the heads up guys)!

     Soon after that my mom started sending us to church. Mind you at the time I was in a bit of a goth faze I must say. We went to church camp in Sebring,Fl and it truly changed my life. Never had I felt God before,but I felt him there and excepted Him into my heart. I got Baptized in the lake at the camp and it was such an amazing feeling. I was on fire for quite some time. If I wasn't at home or school I was at church! I loved it and made some of the best friends I've ever had there. It all made me feel so... good!

    Unfortunately that only lasted about a year.I let myself get stuck in a very destructive relationship. I let him use and manipulate me to what I thought was beyond repair. I let him convince me that there was no one else who would want me. A familiar phrase used by my father. So I let someone who I never even loved use me up so I could prove my father wrong. I was so determined not to be alone. He started cheating on me a little less than a month into the relationship. But I just kept letting it go,because well he wasn't hitting me so it wasn't that bad. But then the words again with the words. "You're too fat," "Your too ugly," "You'd be lost without me," and "Who else would want you and your baggage." Those were just a few of the favorite phrases. It contin ued for about a year that he would cheat on me (and by cheat I mean he would sleep with other girls) and then come to me and apologize. I would just brush it off. I actually had some "friends" suggest that he was only cheating,because I wasn't giving him what he needed.

     So, at the age of 16 he proposed to me,and I gave that very important piece of myself to him.  I thought he must love me to wanna marry me. That right there was good enough for me. As if I hadn't felt myself drifting from God's presence before. As soon as I did that I couldn't even face my friends from church anymore. I was so disgusted with myself. I truly hated myself! I thought nothing of myself anymore. I was just a drone going through the motions. Growing so far from my family that my own mother wanted nothing to do with me. I no longer felt God at all. I had convinced myself He couldn't love me anymore.I was garbage and was just waiting for the day when I would be burned.

     Now,I left out a very important event there. The day before my 16th birthday my wonderful and hilarious grandmother passed away. I have always felt so much guilt about her passing,because I didn't visit her nearly enough. If I wasn't working or at school I was with my ex. I know this sounds normal,but it's not when the reasoning is that you don't want anyone to see you for too long. If someone had looked at me for more than a second. What I had done and was doing would be clear. I was simply unworthy of love and family in my mind.

     It took me way too long to leave my ex. In fact I married him before I got up the courage and self respect to leave. I moved to Orlando after high school with him and the control he had over me grew even bigger. It went from not being able to hang out with anyone without him there to deleting all my contacts except him and work. I had no way to get in contact with my family not that they would've wanted to hear from me anyways. Atleast that's what I told myself and he told me. I wanted so much to have that 14 yr old girl who had found God and was on fire. I had a light during that time. I was content and happy. I actually smiled. My saving grace in Orlando was the hours I worked at Disney. I loved it there. Watching all the smiling families. It was such a great time in my life. I went to work to see how many people I could make smile or laugh. In return I found myself doing the same. I made some wonderful friends there that I'll never forget.

     After I married my ex I thought well this is it I'm really stuck now. But I was so grateful to be allowed to see my family. (He needed someone to pay for part of it ) It meant me seeing my family for the first time in over a year. I had kinda pushed back how much I was truly missing them. The day of the wedding when my stepdad was walking me down the isle I wanted so badly to look up at him and tell him to get me outta there. But then I saw everyone else and was so afraid to let everyone down. I knew I was making a huge mistake,but they had worked so hard to be there. I had to say I Do...didn't I? I could've escaped but I didn't I told myself wow he is actually going through with this maybe he's actually gonna stop cheating. Yes this is 4 yrs later and he was still cheating regularly. And yes I knew this and was still marrying him. I honestly didn't feel like I deserved any better. I thought if only he would stop cheating I could fall in love with him and everything would work out. But nothing changed, in fact it got worse. The cheating continued and the verbal abuse escalated to much worse. It only took about 3 months of the physical abuse to hit my enough's enough button.

     If only it could've been as easy as just realizing I deserved better. One night I took an entire bottle of tylenol and just laid in the tub. I didn't want my life anymore. Whoever had stake in it could have it. I've always heard that if you commit suicide you go to hell. I was ready for it how could it be any worse than what was going on. From the abused child to the abused adult used up and worthless Hell would've been a vacation in my mind. But something happened I started puking and couldn't stop no matter how hard I tried. Then everything just went black. I woke up the next morning. No more water in the tub and still alive...hmmm now what! I'm still 19 and married to a man who just uses me. Then I heard it "The Last Night"-Skillet. I remembered them they were my favorite Christian band when I listened to Christian music. I was alive and ready to actually live. I went to work that day and when I got home I packed everything! Which amounted to 2 garbage bags of clothes and personal belongings. I left that night and never looked back.I never had a feeling of I'm gonna miss him. I stayed with friends in Orlando until my ex kept calling and harassing my friends at Harley where I was working. I figured they didn't deserve that and I wanted to get as far away from my ex as possible. So I moved back home to Okeechobee with my parents. It was hard because I loved my job,but as soon as I got back I started filing for divorce. It took way too long especially since I was filing and paying on my own and I was having trouble finding work. But I did it and it felt great. I felt free!! But what to do with that freedom. I basically just worked once I found a job. But I felt so alone.

     I went to my pastor and told him how I was feeling. I told him about how I was fat,ugly,too tomboyish,and all the other faults I knew I had. And basically he just looked at me for a minute and told me I was full of it lol. Yeah that's my pastor blunt and to the point. He told me to stop looking and ask God to bring the right man into my life. I prayed so hard. I didn't want to be alone for long,but I was ready to wait for as long as it took to be with the right guy this time. Especially considering I had never had a good boyfriend before.


And then it happened......