"You Can't Please Everyone"

     So,not but a couple of hours ago I was sitting in church hearing a message I know God needed me to hear. "You Can't Please Everyone" Wow! Now I don't know about you,but this is something I've personally struggled with my entire life. While it seems like a very reasonable and simple concept it was so difficult for me to accept before today. A big thanks to Pastor Rich for delivering what was a very freeing message for me!! Mainly because it wasn't until today that I truly realized why this was such a desperate need for me.

     If you've read my first two blogs "In the beginning There Was God...I just wish I knew that..." & "13 Going On...Nowhere!", You know a little bit about my childhood. I grew up with a very abusive father and that really set to motion alot of the psychological issues I've had. Well between him and the abusive dating relationships I've been in. But this one purely stems from a need not to please him,(I gave up on that by age 8)but instead to prove him wrong. Now,I haven't spoken to my father in over 8yrs. Wow,just realized it had been that long. I did run into him at a Walgreens once 2 yrs ago,but all I could do was freeze up and shake. That and get out of there as fast as I could. Somehow I have let him have such a hold over me even with total distance. I forgave him when I first started blogging. I just however realized that he still had this hold over me.

     I NEEDED HIM TO BE WRONG ABOUT ME!!!! The problem is he has always been wrong about me. "I'm not stupid","I have purpose","people like me",and "I am loved." But the deep desire to have people like me and be happy with me and my accomplishments has all,but consumed me at times. I have very frail feelings sometimes. I get offended easily by the people I care about. Easily offended...another point brought up today at church. But I gotta say the worst point that Pastor Rich brought up was that a people pleaser may let someone keep them from accomplishing something!

     Unfortunately I've let that happen way too many times. I let my ex keep me from starting college on time. Even now I have let people tell me that I may not be strong enough to go after a degree/career that I've wanted for a very long time. But not anymore. I love my husband to no end,but even his opinion about me(despite how kind it is) has to matter less than God's opinion about me. No matter how much I pray the message is never different I am supposed to use what I went through as a child/teen to help others. I am going to be a child abuse counselor. I am going to use everything I've been through to show children/teens going through the things I've been through that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm gonna start college, God willing, next summer. I'm so excited to finally just let so much go!!

     It never ceases to amaze me how strong and clear God's messages can be!! Praise God for strength and confidence I've been lacking!!!

What do you mean Catie is gonna grow Up...No!!!!!!

      So it has hit me hard today...My baby girl isn't a baby anymore. It wasn't all of the months of chasing her around the house or the pulling her off of anything she could possibly climb for a higher vantage point. No it was seeing her laying there in her toddler bed. No bars anymore she is a big girl and there's no crib bars holding her back now. Is it just me or wasn't she just 2months old needing me for everything and falling asleep in my arms. Now sleep is the last thing on her mind. Now it's ,"How can I climb onto the window sill to play with my kitty Layla?" It's days like this that I am so glad to be a stay at home mommy. I haven't had to miss a thing. All of her new words and skills I was there for them.

     I can honestly say I am doing my best. Some days my best is better than others,but she always has all my love even when my attention or patience isn't quite 100%. I watch her change what seems like everyday. I look at her some days and I swear she's taller then the day before. Or maybe it's her hair it's longer and curlier. She is so gorgeous it's just unbelievable,and equally as funny. Today while she was holding my belly and talking to her baby brother she licked my belly. Yes you read that correctly she licked my belly,and then she looked up at me and laughed. She has given me moments where I think she may be the smartest kid ever. Then she will put her blankie over her head and walk into a wall and just laugh. Her laugh is ridiculously contagious and gets cuter everyday.

    So what do you do when you realize your little one isn't gonna be little forever. You HOLD ON!!! Hold on and enjoy the ride. Because no matter how daunting it can be it is also amazing. I love every moment I get to discover little bits of her personality. Her kind soul that comes out more and more each day is something I would never stop the clock for. If I did I'd never get to see it's full potential. Sure there are days I wish I could go back and relive a certain moment. Like the day she was born. As chaotic as giving birth is...what a since of calm and fulfillment that follows it. I still remember exactly the lil squinty face she was making the first time I saw her:) But that's just part of life!!! You can't go back. So,especially when it comes to our children it's important to savor every single second with them. And don't forget the not so good moments either. People say to never look back,but I completely disagree. If I never looked back I wouldn't see the horrible things God has gotten me through, and the wonderful gifts He has given me! So look back often just don't dwell! And never take a single moment for granted...Oh and take lots of pictures:)

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!! A Mommy With A Goal!!!

     So, I've always been one to find the beauty in other people. I can give honest compliments to people I hardly even know all day. They are absolutely sincere and I mean them with all my heart. I love without holding back. If I call you a friend that means I would do everything within my power for you. Unfortunately this has meant a lot of heartache for me. See I've learned that although I see some people as my best friends they see me as little more than an acquaintance. It's not there fault! It's really on the personality that God gave me. It's a little ridiculous of me to expect people I've only met 3 times to want to come running and hang out. Or to call or visit. Even people I thought were my best friends cancel on my most important occasions. Now as much as this has hurt and in some cases still does. I've discovered something about myself. I need desperately to be loved! I know that sounds like a DUH statement,but it's true to a fault with me. I've had best friends while I was in school,but none that last the distance. The problem is I'm needy. I depend on love from other people to validate me. I've never felt beautiful or worth much at all. I can blame that on the people who have told me the opposite my whole life. But it's my fault I've let the sour words of others effect me to my core. The truth is God made me exactly the way I am down to every piece of hair. Who am I to doubt His design. Who am I to question the things about me I see as inadequate. He gave me a wonderful husband who values me above all other women,and yet I let my insecurity cripple me.

     So this is me declaring Enough is Enough!!! I'm done looking in the mirror and seeing my imperfections. So if you are reading this then chances are I consider you a friend. Keep me accountable. Don't let me insult myself ...even to lift up others. It does no one a favor. I want to start loving myself the way my God loves me. I will never be a size 2 ...I'll never be a size 6 for that matter lol. The difference is I'm okay with that. I could look in the mirror and find a million flaws,but I'm not gonna do that anymore. Cause like I said ...How dare I question my creators design?


     I've started reading a book called "So long, insecurity you've been a bad friend to us," by Beth Moore. What I've discovered is that I am crazy insecure, and I need to fix it. I've also realized that without giving it to God I'll never conquer such a huge,debilitating problem! So here I go....

"Lord I pray you give me the strength and courage to give up this insecurity that has been my cancer for so long. I have no idea how to be confident,but I know you will give me the tools. Work in me to become the me you designed. I no longer want to be held back by my self doubt and fear. Use me Lord to help further Your kingdom. And maybe through me You can encourage someone else to surrender their fears of not being accepted or being useless. Work in and through me Lord because i will not pass this disease onto my children!!! Amen!!!"