So, I've always been one to find the beauty in other people. I can give honest compliments to people I hardly even know all day. They are absolutely sincere and I mean them with all my heart. I love without holding back. If I call you a friend that means I would do everything within my power for you. Unfortunately this has meant a lot of heartache for me. See I've learned that although I see some people as my best friends they see me as little more than an acquaintance. It's not there fault! It's really on the personality that God gave me. It's a little ridiculous of me to expect people I've only met 3 times to want to come running and hang out. Or to call or visit. Even people I thought were my best friends cancel on my most important occasions. Now as much as this has hurt and in some cases still does. I've discovered something about myself. I need desperately to be loved! I know that sounds like a DUH statement,but it's true to a fault with me. I've had best friends while I was in school,but none that last the distance. The problem is I'm needy. I depend on love from other people to validate me. I've never felt beautiful or worth much at all. I can blame that on the people who have told me the opposite my whole life. But it's my fault I've let the sour words of others effect me to my core. The truth is God made me exactly the way I am down to every piece of hair. Who am I to doubt His design. Who am I to question the things about me I see as inadequate. He gave me a wonderful husband who values me above all other women,and yet I let my insecurity cripple me.
So this is me declaring Enough is Enough!!! I'm done looking in the mirror and seeing my imperfections. So if you are reading this then chances are I consider you a friend. Keep me accountable. Don't let me insult myself ...even to lift up others. It does no one a favor. I want to start loving myself the way my God loves me. I will never be a size 2 ...I'll never be a size 6 for that matter lol. The difference is I'm okay with that. I could look in the mirror and find a million flaws,but I'm not gonna do that anymore. Cause like I said ...How dare I question my creators design?
I've started reading a book called "So long, insecurity you've been a bad friend to us," by Beth Moore. What I've discovered is that I am crazy insecure, and I need to fix it. I've also realized that without giving it to God I'll never conquer such a huge,debilitating problem! So here I go....
"Lord I pray you give me the strength and courage to give up this insecurity that has been my cancer for so long. I have no idea how to be confident,but I know you will give me the tools. Work in me to become the me you designed. I no longer want to be held back by my self doubt and fear. Use me Lord to help further Your kingdom. And maybe through me You can encourage someone else to surrender their fears of not being accepted or being useless. Work in and through me Lord because i will not pass this disease onto my children!!! Amen!!!"
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