I am mere hours away from discovering Nathanael's Birthday. Word's can not express my love and gratitude to my Savior!! God's grace and love are the only reason I am so close to completing the family I've always dreamed of. Since I truly came back to The Lord in July My life has changed so much and so has my family's. I had a rough life until I married Raymond,and I let that define me for so long that I had no idea who I was without it. I never thought I'd be able to completely forgive the people who had hurt me in so many ways,but I did it. I never could have done it without God,and now I am free of that hold they had over me. I am slowly becoming someone new everyday. Someone who isn't afraid to get hurt or fail at something,because I know my heavenly Father will be there to catch me. I'm not afraid to be alone with myself anymore,because now when I have a moment to just reflect on my life it is a beautiful thing. I could gripe about finances,but when it comes down to it God has provided for us and I am so grateful.
I know to some the word miracle seems cheesy or crazy religious,but I know God works miracles still to this day....because I'm alive! Despite an effort I took to end my life,which at the time I thought was worth nothing, in Sept 2008... I am here. I know God still works miracles, because I see it everyday when I look into the eyes of my daughter! She is more than enough proof for me.I will never doubt His power and love ever again. Since I was saved at age 14 I knew He was powerful and loving and forgiving. Yet I let others convince me that all those qualities didn't apply to me. I was too low and undeserving. Not anymore I know that I have things to offer to bring God glory.And I am discovering them and more about myself daily!
He gave me a beautiful little girl(and soon a lil boy) to look after and love! If there is a greater "job" than being a mother I've never heard of it!!! I am so blessed to watch my lil girl change right before my eyes. It seems like she is different everyday(she really could slow down some though lol). She may be a little too independent:) I've gotten some pretty awesome gifts from family and friends,but nothing compares to all the things God has done for me and my family! I get to see my husband transform into an even more amazing man. I didn't even think it was possible! He has been such a blessing in my life...he is truly my best friend.
He also led us to the church we now feel is home! I don't know where we'd be without Harvest and the wonderful people we've met there. We would be at a standstill in our walks with our savior. Raymond and I have grown so much as Christians with the help of this church. I never thought I'd see my husband so hungry for God's word and fellowship with other Christians. And it had been so long since I had craved the same thing:) It's amazing how much seeking God out helps you find your way in every other aspect of your life!!
Monday, November 28, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
"You Can't Please Everyone"
So,not but a couple of hours ago I was sitting in church hearing a message I know God needed me to hear. "You Can't Please Everyone" Wow! Now I don't know about you,but this is something I've personally struggled with my entire life. While it seems like a very reasonable and simple concept it was so difficult for me to accept before today. A big thanks to Pastor Rich for delivering what was a very freeing message for me!! Mainly because it wasn't until today that I truly realized why this was such a desperate need for me.
If you've read my first two blogs "In the beginning There Was God...I just wish I knew that..." & "13 Going On...Nowhere!", You know a little bit about my childhood. I grew up with a very abusive father and that really set to motion alot of the psychological issues I've had. Well between him and the abusive dating relationships I've been in. But this one purely stems from a need not to please him,(I gave up on that by age 8)but instead to prove him wrong. Now,I haven't spoken to my father in over 8yrs. Wow,just realized it had been that long. I did run into him at a Walgreens once 2 yrs ago,but all I could do was freeze up and shake. That and get out of there as fast as I could. Somehow I have let him have such a hold over me even with total distance. I forgave him when I first started blogging. I just however realized that he still had this hold over me.
I NEEDED HIM TO BE WRONG ABOUT ME!!!! The problem is he has always been wrong about me. "I'm not stupid","I have purpose","people like me",and "I am loved." But the deep desire to have people like me and be happy with me and my accomplishments has all,but consumed me at times. I have very frail feelings sometimes. I get offended easily by the people I care about. Easily offended...another point brought up today at church. But I gotta say the worst point that Pastor Rich brought up was that a people pleaser may let someone keep them from accomplishing something!
Unfortunately I've let that happen way too many times. I let my ex keep me from starting college on time. Even now I have let people tell me that I may not be strong enough to go after a degree/career that I've wanted for a very long time. But not anymore. I love my husband to no end,but even his opinion about me(despite how kind it is) has to matter less than God's opinion about me. No matter how much I pray the message is never different I am supposed to use what I went through as a child/teen to help others. I am going to be a child abuse counselor. I am going to use everything I've been through to show children/teens going through the things I've been through that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm gonna start college, God willing, next summer. I'm so excited to finally just let so much go!!
It never ceases to amaze me how strong and clear God's messages can be!! Praise God for strength and confidence I've been lacking!!!
If you've read my first two blogs "In the beginning There Was God...I just wish I knew that..." & "13 Going On...Nowhere!", You know a little bit about my childhood. I grew up with a very abusive father and that really set to motion alot of the psychological issues I've had. Well between him and the abusive dating relationships I've been in. But this one purely stems from a need not to please him,(I gave up on that by age 8)but instead to prove him wrong. Now,I haven't spoken to my father in over 8yrs. Wow,just realized it had been that long. I did run into him at a Walgreens once 2 yrs ago,but all I could do was freeze up and shake. That and get out of there as fast as I could. Somehow I have let him have such a hold over me even with total distance. I forgave him when I first started blogging. I just however realized that he still had this hold over me.
I NEEDED HIM TO BE WRONG ABOUT ME!!!! The problem is he has always been wrong about me. "I'm not stupid","I have purpose","people like me",and "I am loved." But the deep desire to have people like me and be happy with me and my accomplishments has all,but consumed me at times. I have very frail feelings sometimes. I get offended easily by the people I care about. Easily offended...another point brought up today at church. But I gotta say the worst point that Pastor Rich brought up was that a people pleaser may let someone keep them from accomplishing something!
Unfortunately I've let that happen way too many times. I let my ex keep me from starting college on time. Even now I have let people tell me that I may not be strong enough to go after a degree/career that I've wanted for a very long time. But not anymore. I love my husband to no end,but even his opinion about me(despite how kind it is) has to matter less than God's opinion about me. No matter how much I pray the message is never different I am supposed to use what I went through as a child/teen to help others. I am going to be a child abuse counselor. I am going to use everything I've been through to show children/teens going through the things I've been through that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm gonna start college, God willing, next summer. I'm so excited to finally just let so much go!!
It never ceases to amaze me how strong and clear God's messages can be!! Praise God for strength and confidence I've been lacking!!!
Sunday, September 18, 2011
What do you mean Catie is gonna grow Up...No!!!!!!
So it has hit me hard today...My baby girl isn't a baby anymore. It wasn't all of the months of chasing her around the house or the pulling her off of anything she could possibly climb for a higher vantage point. No it was seeing her laying there in her toddler bed. No bars anymore she is a big girl and there's no crib bars holding her back now. Is it just me or wasn't she just 2months old needing me for everything and falling asleep in my arms. Now sleep is the last thing on her mind. Now it's ,"How can I climb onto the window sill to play with my kitty Layla?" It's days like this that I am so glad to be a stay at home mommy. I haven't had to miss a thing. All of her new words and skills I was there for them.
I can honestly say I am doing my best. Some days my best is better than others,but she always has all my love even when my attention or patience isn't quite 100%. I watch her change what seems like everyday. I look at her some days and I swear she's taller then the day before. Or maybe it's her hair it's longer and curlier. She is so gorgeous it's just unbelievable,and equally as funny. Today while she was holding my belly and talking to her baby brother she licked my belly. Yes you read that correctly she licked my belly,and then she looked up at me and laughed. She has given me moments where I think she may be the smartest kid ever. Then she will put her blankie over her head and walk into a wall and just laugh. Her laugh is ridiculously contagious and gets cuter everyday.
So what do you do when you realize your little one isn't gonna be little forever. You HOLD ON!!! Hold on and enjoy the ride. Because no matter how daunting it can be it is also amazing. I love every moment I get to discover little bits of her personality. Her kind soul that comes out more and more each day is something I would never stop the clock for. If I did I'd never get to see it's full potential. Sure there are days I wish I could go back and relive a certain moment. Like the day she was born. As chaotic as giving birth is...what a since of calm and fulfillment that follows it. I still remember exactly the lil squinty face she was making the first time I saw her:) But that's just part of life!!! You can't go back. So,especially when it comes to our children it's important to savor every single second with them. And don't forget the not so good moments either. People say to never look back,but I completely disagree. If I never looked back I wouldn't see the horrible things God has gotten me through, and the wonderful gifts He has given me! So look back often just don't dwell! And never take a single moment for granted...Oh and take lots of pictures:)
I can honestly say I am doing my best. Some days my best is better than others,but she always has all my love even when my attention or patience isn't quite 100%. I watch her change what seems like everyday. I look at her some days and I swear she's taller then the day before. Or maybe it's her hair it's longer and curlier. She is so gorgeous it's just unbelievable,and equally as funny. Today while she was holding my belly and talking to her baby brother she licked my belly. Yes you read that correctly she licked my belly,and then she looked up at me and laughed. She has given me moments where I think she may be the smartest kid ever. Then she will put her blankie over her head and walk into a wall and just laugh. Her laugh is ridiculously contagious and gets cuter everyday.
So what do you do when you realize your little one isn't gonna be little forever. You HOLD ON!!! Hold on and enjoy the ride. Because no matter how daunting it can be it is also amazing. I love every moment I get to discover little bits of her personality. Her kind soul that comes out more and more each day is something I would never stop the clock for. If I did I'd never get to see it's full potential. Sure there are days I wish I could go back and relive a certain moment. Like the day she was born. As chaotic as giving birth is...what a since of calm and fulfillment that follows it. I still remember exactly the lil squinty face she was making the first time I saw her:) But that's just part of life!!! You can't go back. So,especially when it comes to our children it's important to savor every single second with them. And don't forget the not so good moments either. People say to never look back,but I completely disagree. If I never looked back I wouldn't see the horrible things God has gotten me through, and the wonderful gifts He has given me! So look back often just don't dwell! And never take a single moment for granted...Oh and take lots of pictures:)
Thursday, September 1, 2011
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!! A Mommy With A Goal!!!
So, I've always been one to find the beauty in other people. I can give honest compliments to people I hardly even know all day. They are absolutely sincere and I mean them with all my heart. I love without holding back. If I call you a friend that means I would do everything within my power for you. Unfortunately this has meant a lot of heartache for me. See I've learned that although I see some people as my best friends they see me as little more than an acquaintance. It's not there fault! It's really on the personality that God gave me. It's a little ridiculous of me to expect people I've only met 3 times to want to come running and hang out. Or to call or visit. Even people I thought were my best friends cancel on my most important occasions. Now as much as this has hurt and in some cases still does. I've discovered something about myself. I need desperately to be loved! I know that sounds like a DUH statement,but it's true to a fault with me. I've had best friends while I was in school,but none that last the distance. The problem is I'm needy. I depend on love from other people to validate me. I've never felt beautiful or worth much at all. I can blame that on the people who have told me the opposite my whole life. But it's my fault I've let the sour words of others effect me to my core. The truth is God made me exactly the way I am down to every piece of hair. Who am I to doubt His design. Who am I to question the things about me I see as inadequate. He gave me a wonderful husband who values me above all other women,and yet I let my insecurity cripple me.
So this is me declaring Enough is Enough!!! I'm done looking in the mirror and seeing my imperfections. So if you are reading this then chances are I consider you a friend. Keep me accountable. Don't let me insult myself ...even to lift up others. It does no one a favor. I want to start loving myself the way my God loves me. I will never be a size 2 ...I'll never be a size 6 for that matter lol. The difference is I'm okay with that. I could look in the mirror and find a million flaws,but I'm not gonna do that anymore. Cause like I said ...How dare I question my creators design?
I've started reading a book called "So long, insecurity you've been a bad friend to us," by Beth Moore. What I've discovered is that I am crazy insecure, and I need to fix it. I've also realized that without giving it to God I'll never conquer such a huge,debilitating problem! So here I go....
"Lord I pray you give me the strength and courage to give up this insecurity that has been my cancer for so long. I have no idea how to be confident,but I know you will give me the tools. Work in me to become the me you designed. I no longer want to be held back by my self doubt and fear. Use me Lord to help further Your kingdom. And maybe through me You can encourage someone else to surrender their fears of not being accepted or being useless. Work in and through me Lord because i will not pass this disease onto my children!!! Amen!!!"
So this is me declaring Enough is Enough!!! I'm done looking in the mirror and seeing my imperfections. So if you are reading this then chances are I consider you a friend. Keep me accountable. Don't let me insult myself ...even to lift up others. It does no one a favor. I want to start loving myself the way my God loves me. I will never be a size 2 ...I'll never be a size 6 for that matter lol. The difference is I'm okay with that. I could look in the mirror and find a million flaws,but I'm not gonna do that anymore. Cause like I said ...How dare I question my creators design?
I've started reading a book called "So long, insecurity you've been a bad friend to us," by Beth Moore. What I've discovered is that I am crazy insecure, and I need to fix it. I've also realized that without giving it to God I'll never conquer such a huge,debilitating problem! So here I go....
"Lord I pray you give me the strength and courage to give up this insecurity that has been my cancer for so long. I have no idea how to be confident,but I know you will give me the tools. Work in me to become the me you designed. I no longer want to be held back by my self doubt and fear. Use me Lord to help further Your kingdom. And maybe through me You can encourage someone else to surrender their fears of not being accepted or being useless. Work in and through me Lord because i will not pass this disease onto my children!!! Amen!!!"
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
My true beginning... A faith renewed!!!
So where did I leave off last time...Oh yes....And then it happened....
I prayed so hard after talking to my pastor to bring the right man into my life.(No matter how long it took). Immediately following that I started having dreams about Raymond Grubbs. It was really strange to me,because well I hadn't seen him in over 6 years by that time. He was just as handsome as ever in those dreams. We were just sitting there laughing ,watching movies,and talking. Then I saw it...My face,I was smiling like nothing I had ever done before.How could I be that happy with him I barely knew him. I had a crush on him as a kid. His aunt(Auntie Edie) and my mom were best friends while I was growing up. Her home was like my sanctuary,so we met each other there several times.
I was sure he had no good memory of who I was,but I had to see him. Even if I was crazy. But somehow I had no doubt in my mind that God had sent those dreams to me for a reason. Even if we were to just become good friends. So I wrote him on myspace,but days went by with no response so I found his brother on facebook and had him call Raymond and let him no I was trying to get ahold of him. Surely I looked like a stalker,but who cares. By this point he was quite literally the man of my dreams. I HAD TO SEE HIM. I was desperate for a chance to feel the happiness I could see on my face in the dreams. Finally I got ahold of him and asked him if I could come visit for a weekend. Yes I know that was kinda forward of me,but I HAD TO SEE HIM...In case I hadn't mentioned that yet. Being the sweetheart that he is he said yes. So my reply was how about next weekend. Not to look to desperate I told him I already had it off. He agreed and I went to work that day and scrambled to get my shifts covered for the following weekend. was so excited that it wasn't hard to find friends willing to help me out. A couple of them told me they had never seen me smile like i did when I was telling them about the trip.
That was one of the most amazing weekends of my life...even with the awkward first hug lol. So after helping me with my bags I went to hug him once we got up stairs. A friendly How ya doin',It's been awhile hug. Well previously in my trip I had stopped at a shady gas station in Milton. So ofcourse me being me I had put my knife in my waistband. Well when I went to hug him it poked him. His mistake was asking me what it was lol. My mistake was looking like a crazy person when I whipped it out and said,"Oh it's just my knife,I take it with me everywhere(proceeded by an awkward I just got busted chuckle)." He was just like oh okay that makes perfect sense. Thank goodness he didn't think I was some psycho cause my life has gotten infinitely better since that moment. We spent that entire weekend exactly like I dreamed it. We hung out laughed until my face hurt and talked. Oh and we went bowling with his brother. When I came home to Okeechobee we spent every minute we weren't at work on the phone and computer.
To get us up to date I will make a timeline:)
I prayed so hard after talking to my pastor to bring the right man into my life.(No matter how long it took). Immediately following that I started having dreams about Raymond Grubbs. It was really strange to me,because well I hadn't seen him in over 6 years by that time. He was just as handsome as ever in those dreams. We were just sitting there laughing ,watching movies,and talking. Then I saw it...My face,I was smiling like nothing I had ever done before.How could I be that happy with him I barely knew him. I had a crush on him as a kid. His aunt(Auntie Edie) and my mom were best friends while I was growing up. Her home was like my sanctuary,so we met each other there several times.
I was sure he had no good memory of who I was,but I had to see him. Even if I was crazy. But somehow I had no doubt in my mind that God had sent those dreams to me for a reason. Even if we were to just become good friends. So I wrote him on myspace,but days went by with no response so I found his brother on facebook and had him call Raymond and let him no I was trying to get ahold of him. Surely I looked like a stalker,but who cares. By this point he was quite literally the man of my dreams. I HAD TO SEE HIM. I was desperate for a chance to feel the happiness I could see on my face in the dreams. Finally I got ahold of him and asked him if I could come visit for a weekend. Yes I know that was kinda forward of me,but I HAD TO SEE HIM...In case I hadn't mentioned that yet. Being the sweetheart that he is he said yes. So my reply was how about next weekend. Not to look to desperate I told him I already had it off. He agreed and I went to work that day and scrambled to get my shifts covered for the following weekend. was so excited that it wasn't hard to find friends willing to help me out. A couple of them told me they had never seen me smile like i did when I was telling them about the trip.
That was one of the most amazing weekends of my life...even with the awkward first hug lol. So after helping me with my bags I went to hug him once we got up stairs. A friendly How ya doin',It's been awhile hug. Well previously in my trip I had stopped at a shady gas station in Milton. So ofcourse me being me I had put my knife in my waistband. Well when I went to hug him it poked him. His mistake was asking me what it was lol. My mistake was looking like a crazy person when I whipped it out and said,"Oh it's just my knife,I take it with me everywhere(proceeded by an awkward I just got busted chuckle)." He was just like oh okay that makes perfect sense. Thank goodness he didn't think I was some psycho cause my life has gotten infinitely better since that moment. We spent that entire weekend exactly like I dreamed it. We hung out laughed until my face hurt and talked. Oh and we went bowling with his brother. When I came home to Okeechobee we spent every minute we weren't at work on the phone and computer.
To get us up to date I will make a timeline:)
- March 27-29,2009 My first weekend with him.
- April 8,2009 He asked me to be his girlfriend.
- April 19,2009 He told me he loved me!!!
- May 25,2009 I moved to Pensacola.
- June 21,2009 He proposed to me.*I said yes
- July 7,2009 I was in a car accident*Boooo
- Aug 7,2009 We got Married!!!!
- Aug 14,2009 Found out I was Pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!(My husband did all the planning)
- Oct 31,2009 We moved into our house!!
- April 2,2010 We welcomed Catherine Lynn Grubbs into this world <3
- April 2,2011 Catie turns 1!!!!
- April 27,2011 We find out I'm pregnant again(Another excellent job planning on my husband's part)
- July 24,2011 We find a church we love!!
- Aug 2,2011 It's a boy!!!! Nathanael Dale is on his way!!
- Aug 7,2011 Catie gets dedicated to The Lord!!!
Monday, August 29, 2011
13 going on ...Nowhere!
Thirteen is a difficult age for any girl. For me it was my own little slice of Hell. When I was 13, three years after my mom had left my father, she finally starting fighting for custody of us. She was in a stable home and well when I called her after my father busted my little brothers lip enough was enough! She picked us up that night and had us hide out at a neighbors house the next day while she went to work. When my father found out we weren't at school he called the police and tried to get my mom arrested for kidnapping us. As scary as it was to be picked up by the police and brought to the station. The lady deputy who picked us up was so kind. Now the DCF case worker we were interviewed by was a very cruel and condescending man. I was so glad when he was done interviewing me,he made me so uncomfortable. Luckily I had enough against my dad from just the last week to stay with my mom. And with the charges filed against him we were able to stay with her. Testifying in court against him while he stared up at me is still one of the scariest moments of my life. At that point I was pretty sure there was a God I just felt like maybe I wasn't good enough for His mercy. I felt very much trapped in my own head. Constant flashbacks and night terrors kept me from ever really feeling relaxed. But eventually my mom was awarded custody. After a few weeks of supervised visitations with the man who made me feel like little more than a maid and a whipping post they finally decided to tell me that I didn't have to come if I didn't want to(thanks for the heads up guys)!
Soon after that my mom started sending us to church. Mind you at the time I was in a bit of a goth faze I must say. We went to church camp in Sebring,Fl and it truly changed my life. Never had I felt God before,but I felt him there and excepted Him into my heart. I got Baptized in the lake at the camp and it was such an amazing feeling. I was on fire for quite some time. If I wasn't at home or school I was at church! I loved it and made some of the best friends I've ever had there. It all made me feel so... good!
Unfortunately that only lasted about a year.I let myself get stuck in a very destructive relationship. I let him use and manipulate me to what I thought was beyond repair. I let him convince me that there was no one else who would want me. A familiar phrase used by my father. So I let someone who I never even loved use me up so I could prove my father wrong. I was so determined not to be alone. He started cheating on me a little less than a month into the relationship. But I just kept letting it go,because well he wasn't hitting me so it wasn't that bad. But then the words again with the words. "You're too fat," "Your too ugly," "You'd be lost without me," and "Who else would want you and your baggage." Those were just a few of the favorite phrases. It contin ued for about a year that he would cheat on me (and by cheat I mean he would sleep with other girls) and then come to me and apologize. I would just brush it off. I actually had some "friends" suggest that he was only cheating,because I wasn't giving him what he needed.
So, at the age of 16 he proposed to me,and I gave that very important piece of myself to him. I thought he must love me to wanna marry me. That right there was good enough for me. As if I hadn't felt myself drifting from God's presence before. As soon as I did that I couldn't even face my friends from church anymore. I was so disgusted with myself. I truly hated myself! I thought nothing of myself anymore. I was just a drone going through the motions. Growing so far from my family that my own mother wanted nothing to do with me. I no longer felt God at all. I had convinced myself He couldn't love me anymore.I was garbage and was just waiting for the day when I would be burned.
Now,I left out a very important event there. The day before my 16th birthday my wonderful and hilarious grandmother passed away. I have always felt so much guilt about her passing,because I didn't visit her nearly enough. If I wasn't working or at school I was with my ex. I know this sounds normal,but it's not when the reasoning is that you don't want anyone to see you for too long. If someone had looked at me for more than a second. What I had done and was doing would be clear. I was simply unworthy of love and family in my mind.
It took me way too long to leave my ex. In fact I married him before I got up the courage and self respect to leave. I moved to Orlando after high school with him and the control he had over me grew even bigger. It went from not being able to hang out with anyone without him there to deleting all my contacts except him and work. I had no way to get in contact with my family not that they would've wanted to hear from me anyways. Atleast that's what I told myself and he told me. I wanted so much to have that 14 yr old girl who had found God and was on fire. I had a light during that time. I was content and happy. I actually smiled. My saving grace in Orlando was the hours I worked at Disney. I loved it there. Watching all the smiling families. It was such a great time in my life. I went to work to see how many people I could make smile or laugh. In return I found myself doing the same. I made some wonderful friends there that I'll never forget.
After I married my ex I thought well this is it I'm really stuck now. But I was so grateful to be allowed to see my family. (He needed someone to pay for part of it ) It meant me seeing my family for the first time in over a year. I had kinda pushed back how much I was truly missing them. The day of the wedding when my stepdad was walking me down the isle I wanted so badly to look up at him and tell him to get me outta there. But then I saw everyone else and was so afraid to let everyone down. I knew I was making a huge mistake,but they had worked so hard to be there. I had to say I Do...didn't I? I could've escaped but I didn't I told myself wow he is actually going through with this maybe he's actually gonna stop cheating. Yes this is 4 yrs later and he was still cheating regularly. And yes I knew this and was still marrying him. I honestly didn't feel like I deserved any better. I thought if only he would stop cheating I could fall in love with him and everything would work out. But nothing changed, in fact it got worse. The cheating continued and the verbal abuse escalated to much worse. It only took about 3 months of the physical abuse to hit my enough's enough button.
If only it could've been as easy as just realizing I deserved better. One night I took an entire bottle of tylenol and just laid in the tub. I didn't want my life anymore. Whoever had stake in it could have it. I've always heard that if you commit suicide you go to hell. I was ready for it how could it be any worse than what was going on. From the abused child to the abused adult used up and worthless Hell would've been a vacation in my mind. But something happened I started puking and couldn't stop no matter how hard I tried. Then everything just went black. I woke up the next morning. No more water in the tub and still alive...hmmm now what! I'm still 19 and married to a man who just uses me. Then I heard it "The Last Night"-Skillet. I remembered them they were my favorite Christian band when I listened to Christian music. I was alive and ready to actually live. I went to work that day and when I got home I packed everything! Which amounted to 2 garbage bags of clothes and personal belongings. I left that night and never looked back.I never had a feeling of I'm gonna miss him. I stayed with friends in Orlando until my ex kept calling and harassing my friends at Harley where I was working. I figured they didn't deserve that and I wanted to get as far away from my ex as possible. So I moved back home to Okeechobee with my parents. It was hard because I loved my job,but as soon as I got back I started filing for divorce. It took way too long especially since I was filing and paying on my own and I was having trouble finding work. But I did it and it felt great. I felt free!! But what to do with that freedom. I basically just worked once I found a job. But I felt so alone.
I went to my pastor and told him how I was feeling. I told him about how I was fat,ugly,too tomboyish,and all the other faults I knew I had. And basically he just looked at me for a minute and told me I was full of it lol. Yeah that's my pastor blunt and to the point. He told me to stop looking and ask God to bring the right man into my life. I prayed so hard. I didn't want to be alone for long,but I was ready to wait for as long as it took to be with the right guy this time. Especially considering I had never had a good boyfriend before.
And then it happened......
Soon after that my mom started sending us to church. Mind you at the time I was in a bit of a goth faze I must say. We went to church camp in Sebring,Fl and it truly changed my life. Never had I felt God before,but I felt him there and excepted Him into my heart. I got Baptized in the lake at the camp and it was such an amazing feeling. I was on fire for quite some time. If I wasn't at home or school I was at church! I loved it and made some of the best friends I've ever had there. It all made me feel so... good!
Unfortunately that only lasted about a year.I let myself get stuck in a very destructive relationship. I let him use and manipulate me to what I thought was beyond repair. I let him convince me that there was no one else who would want me. A familiar phrase used by my father. So I let someone who I never even loved use me up so I could prove my father wrong. I was so determined not to be alone. He started cheating on me a little less than a month into the relationship. But I just kept letting it go,because well he wasn't hitting me so it wasn't that bad. But then the words again with the words. "You're too fat," "Your too ugly," "You'd be lost without me," and "Who else would want you and your baggage." Those were just a few of the favorite phrases. It contin ued for about a year that he would cheat on me (and by cheat I mean he would sleep with other girls) and then come to me and apologize. I would just brush it off. I actually had some "friends" suggest that he was only cheating,because I wasn't giving him what he needed.
So, at the age of 16 he proposed to me,and I gave that very important piece of myself to him. I thought he must love me to wanna marry me. That right there was good enough for me. As if I hadn't felt myself drifting from God's presence before. As soon as I did that I couldn't even face my friends from church anymore. I was so disgusted with myself. I truly hated myself! I thought nothing of myself anymore. I was just a drone going through the motions. Growing so far from my family that my own mother wanted nothing to do with me. I no longer felt God at all. I had convinced myself He couldn't love me anymore.I was garbage and was just waiting for the day when I would be burned.
Now,I left out a very important event there. The day before my 16th birthday my wonderful and hilarious grandmother passed away. I have always felt so much guilt about her passing,because I didn't visit her nearly enough. If I wasn't working or at school I was with my ex. I know this sounds normal,but it's not when the reasoning is that you don't want anyone to see you for too long. If someone had looked at me for more than a second. What I had done and was doing would be clear. I was simply unworthy of love and family in my mind.
It took me way too long to leave my ex. In fact I married him before I got up the courage and self respect to leave. I moved to Orlando after high school with him and the control he had over me grew even bigger. It went from not being able to hang out with anyone without him there to deleting all my contacts except him and work. I had no way to get in contact with my family not that they would've wanted to hear from me anyways. Atleast that's what I told myself and he told me. I wanted so much to have that 14 yr old girl who had found God and was on fire. I had a light during that time. I was content and happy. I actually smiled. My saving grace in Orlando was the hours I worked at Disney. I loved it there. Watching all the smiling families. It was such a great time in my life. I went to work to see how many people I could make smile or laugh. In return I found myself doing the same. I made some wonderful friends there that I'll never forget.
After I married my ex I thought well this is it I'm really stuck now. But I was so grateful to be allowed to see my family. (He needed someone to pay for part of it ) It meant me seeing my family for the first time in over a year. I had kinda pushed back how much I was truly missing them. The day of the wedding when my stepdad was walking me down the isle I wanted so badly to look up at him and tell him to get me outta there. But then I saw everyone else and was so afraid to let everyone down. I knew I was making a huge mistake,but they had worked so hard to be there. I had to say I Do...didn't I? I could've escaped but I didn't I told myself wow he is actually going through with this maybe he's actually gonna stop cheating. Yes this is 4 yrs later and he was still cheating regularly. And yes I knew this and was still marrying him. I honestly didn't feel like I deserved any better. I thought if only he would stop cheating I could fall in love with him and everything would work out. But nothing changed, in fact it got worse. The cheating continued and the verbal abuse escalated to much worse. It only took about 3 months of the physical abuse to hit my enough's enough button.
If only it could've been as easy as just realizing I deserved better. One night I took an entire bottle of tylenol and just laid in the tub. I didn't want my life anymore. Whoever had stake in it could have it. I've always heard that if you commit suicide you go to hell. I was ready for it how could it be any worse than what was going on. From the abused child to the abused adult used up and worthless Hell would've been a vacation in my mind. But something happened I started puking and couldn't stop no matter how hard I tried. Then everything just went black. I woke up the next morning. No more water in the tub and still alive...hmmm now what! I'm still 19 and married to a man who just uses me. Then I heard it "The Last Night"-Skillet. I remembered them they were my favorite Christian band when I listened to Christian music. I was alive and ready to actually live. I went to work that day and when I got home I packed everything! Which amounted to 2 garbage bags of clothes and personal belongings. I left that night and never looked back.I never had a feeling of I'm gonna miss him. I stayed with friends in Orlando until my ex kept calling and harassing my friends at Harley where I was working. I figured they didn't deserve that and I wanted to get as far away from my ex as possible. So I moved back home to Okeechobee with my parents. It was hard because I loved my job,but as soon as I got back I started filing for divorce. It took way too long especially since I was filing and paying on my own and I was having trouble finding work. But I did it and it felt great. I felt free!! But what to do with that freedom. I basically just worked once I found a job. But I felt so alone.
I went to my pastor and told him how I was feeling. I told him about how I was fat,ugly,too tomboyish,and all the other faults I knew I had. And basically he just looked at me for a minute and told me I was full of it lol. Yeah that's my pastor blunt and to the point. He told me to stop looking and ask God to bring the right man into my life. I prayed so hard. I didn't want to be alone for long,but I was ready to wait for as long as it took to be with the right guy this time. Especially considering I had never had a good boyfriend before.
And then it happened......
Monday, August 15, 2011
In the beginning there was God...I just wish I knew that then:Up to Age 13
I definitely didn't grow up in a Christian household. If my father did have a bible I imagine it would probably have been cut out to hide his drugs. I do remember going to a church in my hometown of Okeechobee,Fl. The preacher was crude and the Sunday school teacher was dull and passionless. Christianity seemed like a punishment as a child. And our parents didn't go with us. I think that was strange until I got there and we were the only kids not sitting with their parents. So that made me feel like church was just a way for our parents to get a break from us. we were always told to pray,but I had no idea who God and Jesus were. So my prayers were quite empty. I'm not sure I believed they could change anything. It was more or less part of a bedtime routine.
My mother was one of the hardest working women I've ever met. While she was out making the money and doing all she could to provide for us. My father was home sitting on the couch drinking ,smoking marijuana, and doing other lovely substances. I don't recall ever having a positive conversation with the man. I think the closest we ever were was when my mother left.She couldn't take the abuse anymore and I don't blame her. In that moment when he realized she was gone for good he broke down and cried. I felt the closest to him then. I don't hate my father I think alot of the choices he made were based on his substance abuse problems. I think he could've been a good man if he wanted too he just wanted drugs and partying more.
My father was definitely something else. He never really showed affection. I'm not sure if he loved me or not. I think I loved him because he was my father. But not because of any example or show of compassion he ever displayed. I know that's sad,but it's true. I was angry at my mom for awhile for leaving. Mainly because she couldn't take us with her. I had to take on alot of her roles around the house. That also means her share of the "Physical Discipline." My father had always been a very physical person. It only got worse with her absence. I don't know how my father grew up. I'm not sure if he was living by example or if it was just the alcohol and drugs. I remember alot of bruises and bumps at his hand. I know there are others who have had it way worse. I just wish that was easier to think of when you're a child. All you can think is, "what did I do to make my father hate me. " I don't think any child should ever have to fear their parents. No kid should ever have to be scared of what type of mood their parents are in, because it could mean physical pain if it's a bad mood day.
But the words...oh the words were so much worse than any physical bruise. I'm just now growing close enough to God to really let them go. It took me about 15 years to forgive him,but now that I have the burden of his words have no more bearing on me. Praise God for that! Unfortunately I took his drunk ramblings way too far. I actually let him telling me I was ugly and useless drive me into relationships that scarred me even deeper than I already was. As I have said I have forgiven him. But unfortunately he is the same man I grew up with. He still harasses my mother every chance he gets and denies ever hurting me in any way. He does drugs with some of my siblings and well that's just not the type of person I would put around my children. He will never meet my children and while that is sad...I'm also very confident in that decision. God made me these beautiful babies' parent. I will only get so much time to raise them and care for them and I couldn't knowingly endanger them.
My childhood was scary at times,but I also had some wonderful people in it. I had my mother,my lovely cousin Heather and her children,my mom's friend Edie and her family,and my beautiful Grandmother. I will always love these people for giving me a break!! I had very few moments in life where I felt like a kid,but these people were there for those! I especially liked my time with my grandmother god rest her soul. I remember her being so funny. She was the one who taught me to start a puzzle from the outside and work in :) I wish I had taken the time to tell her how special she was. Then there's Auntie Edie. I always felt so free at her house. And now she is my aunt for real,now that I'm married to her nephew Raymond. What a wonderful man God blessed me with!
I think that's a good place to stop. Pick it back up at age 13!
My mother was one of the hardest working women I've ever met. While she was out making the money and doing all she could to provide for us. My father was home sitting on the couch drinking ,smoking marijuana, and doing other lovely substances. I don't recall ever having a positive conversation with the man. I think the closest we ever were was when my mother left.She couldn't take the abuse anymore and I don't blame her. In that moment when he realized she was gone for good he broke down and cried. I felt the closest to him then. I don't hate my father I think alot of the choices he made were based on his substance abuse problems. I think he could've been a good man if he wanted too he just wanted drugs and partying more.
My father was definitely something else. He never really showed affection. I'm not sure if he loved me or not. I think I loved him because he was my father. But not because of any example or show of compassion he ever displayed. I know that's sad,but it's true. I was angry at my mom for awhile for leaving. Mainly because she couldn't take us with her. I had to take on alot of her roles around the house. That also means her share of the "Physical Discipline." My father had always been a very physical person. It only got worse with her absence. I don't know how my father grew up. I'm not sure if he was living by example or if it was just the alcohol and drugs. I remember alot of bruises and bumps at his hand. I know there are others who have had it way worse. I just wish that was easier to think of when you're a child. All you can think is, "what did I do to make my father hate me. " I don't think any child should ever have to fear their parents. No kid should ever have to be scared of what type of mood their parents are in, because it could mean physical pain if it's a bad mood day.
But the words...oh the words were so much worse than any physical bruise. I'm just now growing close enough to God to really let them go. It took me about 15 years to forgive him,but now that I have the burden of his words have no more bearing on me. Praise God for that! Unfortunately I took his drunk ramblings way too far. I actually let him telling me I was ugly and useless drive me into relationships that scarred me even deeper than I already was. As I have said I have forgiven him. But unfortunately he is the same man I grew up with. He still harasses my mother every chance he gets and denies ever hurting me in any way. He does drugs with some of my siblings and well that's just not the type of person I would put around my children. He will never meet my children and while that is sad...I'm also very confident in that decision. God made me these beautiful babies' parent. I will only get so much time to raise them and care for them and I couldn't knowingly endanger them.
My childhood was scary at times,but I also had some wonderful people in it. I had my mother,my lovely cousin Heather and her children,my mom's friend Edie and her family,and my beautiful Grandmother. I will always love these people for giving me a break!! I had very few moments in life where I felt like a kid,but these people were there for those! I especially liked my time with my grandmother god rest her soul. I remember her being so funny. She was the one who taught me to start a puzzle from the outside and work in :) I wish I had taken the time to tell her how special she was. Then there's Auntie Edie. I always felt so free at her house. And now she is my aunt for real,now that I'm married to her nephew Raymond. What a wonderful man God blessed me with!
I think that's a good place to stop. Pick it back up at age 13!
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